Ep32 - Gopher Sleaze Meter & Doc Cuts a Woman

announcer: 0:01

This is Crime Crew's Love Boat Exposed. Saturday on the Love Boat. The podcast that hunts down and tears apart shenanigans on this classic TV show. I see an awful lot of bodies who really have nothing to be ashamed of. When laws, morals, and behavior go rogue. She's a student of marine biology and I know a lot of study her biology. We are there. Saturday on the Love Boat. Julie's game to join an all male club. But she's shocked at the things they ask her to do. Now, from Studio 109, welcome aboard. I think it's time you and I got to know each other

tvclip: 0:42

better. Very lonely, that's it. Yes, I can imagine. Yes, loneliness does get the best of this crew, both male and female. We said that last time around on our previous episode. I want to mention something in a second, but first of all, welcome to Crime Crew's Love Boat Exposed. I'm Rob. This is Charlotte. And that is producer Caleb. I'm pointing as if you can see what I'm pointing at charlotte, how would you explain this show that we do

Charlotte: 1:13

I would explain it as three very different people from very different backgrounds, different generations, watching the show. Some of us for the first time, some of us Long time fans and some of us that, saw it on Nick at night when there were reruns like myself and just examining all the, as Caleb likes to say shenanigans and tomfoolery that happens on board that would just never be allowed in this day and age.

announcer: 1:37

They clearly wouldn't were so many decades beyond 1978, which is where this season two, episode 11 takes place. I'm sorry. I rolled a little clip there under your vocals. That's okay. Just keeping things lively. Wouldn't be the

Charlotte: 1:50

first time someone tried to shut me

announcer: 1:51

up. Not on this show. This is your forum. Oh, okay. And it will always be that, producer, Caleb, thank you for joining us again. I feel very thankful. Absolutely. Like I did last episode. I want to mention something from last episode. Last episode, there were little people, one of them being a famous actor, Billy Barty, who had done over 230 television and film projects through his entire life, which I think started in the forties. And he had a wife and they had a full grown son and there was a whole plot line. Everyone on the episode referred to these little people, his parents. As little people. Yeah,

Charlotte: 2:29

and the son even said something. He said they like to be called little

announcer: 2:32

people. I mentioned this because, I mean, we all know that that's the phrase for when there are little people. We also know there's an M word that was used up to not too many years ago, and some still wrongly use it. Right. Well, how progressive of the love boats back in the late 70s to not use the M word and to use the phrase little people and to make sure that they corrected others on the cruise that may say, the wrong word.

Charlotte: 3:01

Yeah. They're so progressive in some ways. And then just so fucking backwards and so many like, just like caveman behavior in so many other ways.

announcer: 3:09

Right. Two steps forward. 130 steps

Charlotte: 3:12

backwards. Oh,

Caleb: 3:12

absolutely. That's how I

announcer: 3:15

feel. Yeah. Well, you're correct to feel that way. Thank you.

Charlotte: 3:18

I'm allowed to have my feelings.

announcer: 3:20

Well, on this show, you're allowed to express your feelings. Thank you. I love that. Okay. Uh, producer, Caleb, not so much. I

Caleb: 3:25

know, we can see that from your hat there. Silenced every now and then, you know, itchy finger syndrome that you've got, Rob. Yeah, yeah. You're muted

Charlotte: 3:32

sometimes. Ah,

announcer: 3:33

I'm never muted. Always loved. So we have the first clip queued up. We just heard a little part of it a second ago, but we're staring down the barrel of the dock. And

Charlotte: 3:44

we're in season two, episode

Caleb: 3:46

twelve actually. It might be

Charlotte: 3:48

twelve.

announcer: 3:48

I'm staring at the doc once again. He's like a double barrel shotgun. And I say that because he's staring directly at the camera. He has, maybe he just made a mistake and this is the freeze frame we have up, but it's disturbing. Well, it

Charlotte: 4:01

always is because it's almost like looking at a serial killer documentary because he looks like he could be one. He has that very, like, Ted Bundy kind of look. He has those Jeffrey Dahmer sunglasses. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He does have the Jeffrey Dahmer glasses. He has something going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd search his cabin for sure.

announcer: 4:17

You know, we're working on a theory here, too. And a great idea to search his cabin. He's probably got a trap door somewhere in there. We're working on a theory. We've mentioned it on many episodes now. And that is that the Captain and Doc are in some kind of blood brothership. where they're setting each other up with women, uh, I'll just say it. Illicit sex, illicit sex, something with the Russians seems to be involved. Some kind of gun play. I don't know. KGB interference, right? maybe even role play. All the things you don't want to even know, but we're going to crack this case. We are going to crack it. And we have producer Caleb on it. So I'm wasting time. Let's look like this family once a year. And your dentist, twice. Well, that's enough suffering for anybody. Why does he have to be so cynical about family? That's sour grapes. He wishes he had a family of his own. Yeah. Doc may be laughing on the outside, but inside, sometimes he's a desperately lonely guy. Amen to that,

Caleb: 5:21

if that ain't true. I put this clip in because it's like one of the first times we ever actually get a chance to see Doc be humanized. And I don't like that. Doc should never be humanized.

Charlotte: 5:32

No, and I never knew anything about anything about him, like anything about his past, where he came from, like nothing. He's just like an enigma that just sort of showed up on the boat.

announcer: 5:40

We know he was good friends with a stripper who later became

Charlotte: 5:42

a nurse. Yeah, we know that. He's obviously spent some time in Vegas. Yeah,

announcer: 5:46

you're right. I'm not sure we know anything more than that, though. Yeah,

Charlotte: 5:50

no. Well, okay, so now we're supposed to feel bad for Doc. I'm not going to feel bad for him right now. I'm going to wait until like, tragedy happens to him for sure. I

Caleb: 5:58

agree with you. Aw, poor Doc. Doesn't have a family. I guess it's okay that he sexually harasses and

Charlotte: 6:04

assaults women. He tries to impregnate everybody. How does he not have a family at this point? I bet he has a lot of little

announcer: 6:10

Docs moving around in the world. Yeah, okay. Maybe, yeah. I'm sure

Charlotte: 6:13

he does. Right, and it's not like he came into this world just like Doc. Like, he obviously has parents. Where's his family? Like, maybe they don't like him because he's a

announcer: 6:20

dick. Right. Doc has made choices to get where he is. Yeah, he has. He's a bitter man under it all. Yep. That's correct. I do like, beyond justifying Doc, so throw that overboard, I do like the consideration of the rest of the crew. They're thinking and they're enabling

Charlotte: 6:40

him, Rob. They're enabling him. I seem

announcer: 6:41

to be sympathetic and I guess you're right. Damn it. They're

Charlotte: 6:44

enabling his behavior. A doc is a It's a therapy term for you guys. He's a

announcer: 6:48

quandary for

Caleb: 6:48

sure. They've always enabled doc. Every time it's like, Oh, I can't believe, like, Julie would be like, I can't believe the doc is trying to hit on this customer, this passenger. And Nine out of ten times the boys always like, oh, well, that's just, that's just Doc. What can I say? You

announcer: 7:06

guys won me over with your theories and the way I should feel, I guess. Yes, yes, you should feel that way. Going back to the Captain and the Doc's relationship, wouldn't it be something, a throwback to a couple of episodes ago, if we found out That the Doc was the Captain's son. And the Captain had him at age 12 or something like that. Well, he could have. Yeah, I know. I

Caleb: 7:24

think that would be incredibly disturbing.

announcer: 7:26

Well, why not? On so many levels. Yeah, but I mean, that's the game we're playing here. That's the currency we exchange on the love boat. It is the

Charlotte: 7:33

currency we exchange currently. Oh, Dr. Bricker? Well, hi.

announcer: 7:38

My name's Amber. Your girlfriend met you on a cruise last summer and she hasn't spoken Stop talking about you. Oh. Oh, I hate patients who kiss and tell. What time are your office hours? Office hours? For you, I'll make a cabin call. Oh, God. Ever see a real life stethoscope? No. Ah, you will get probed. Oh my

Charlotte: 8:00

gosh. See, this is why I didn't give him any leeway. It's because I knew he was going to disappoint me in such a major way. Yeah,

Caleb: 8:08

you're right. You're right. Stethoscope is definitely a play on words for his dick or something, like

announcer: 8:13

Oh, producer Caleb.

Caleb: 8:14

For sure it is, Caleb. I had to say it. Everyone was thinking it. Everyone

Charlotte: 8:18

is thinking it. Everyone knows it too. You're totally right about that. And

Caleb: 8:21

a little insider secret, this scene happened right Exactly after the duck was like, everyone was feeling bad for the duck for not having a family. See, this is why we don't feel bad for him. A second after. And then the rest of the crew were like, ah, that's duck. Just like what I just said.

Charlotte: 8:37

Just being phallic again with his stethoscope. Got it.

announcer: 8:40

Well, the hot redhead is what we were looking at is Sissy Cameron. I was wondering if she ever went much further. She did some episodes of, the love boat and then there's the love boat, uh, also love boat and, uh, three's company. She played melody. I'm sure it was one of Jack trippers, conquest perhaps. I'm going to guess that anyway. Yes and space mutiny the deli. Everything seemed to go downhill. Porky's too.

Charlotte: 9:07

Oh, oh no. The second one. That's even

announcer: 9:09

the next day. She played Sandy Lee, Sandy Lee toy. Okay. Well,

Charlotte: 9:15

Porky's, that was her name. Sandy Lee toy. Porky's too. Porky's too. You're right. You're right. Porky's too. Not even the first one.

announcer: 9:24

watching Snyder from One Day at a Time. He's whistling at Is that a whistle or did your brain Whistling at Mrs. Brady. You know, I could help you find your cabin. Excuse me, I realize you're new on this ship, but making leering remarks to the passengers

Charlotte: 9:42

is

announcer: 9:42

not your job. Uh huh. Docs. This really never

Charlotte: 9:52

happens. It happens every fucking time. It happens every second of every moment. It really never happens. Oh my God, but there's such a class system now on the love boat, I'm feeling like. It's okay for Doc and Gopher and the captain to hit on people, but if the guy washing the staircase with WD 40, which I didn't know was around for such a long time, but it must have been around forever because the guy was using it. The guy.

Caleb: 10:17

The design hasn't changed. I don't know. It's like very

Charlotte: 10:20

recognizable. Very recognizable. But I was just like, so there's just a total double standard. Like if you're, if you're, if you're in a white uniform, then you can hit on the people on half. Yeah. As much pleasure and playtime as you want, but if you're in a blue jumpsuit, you better watch out. Don't even think about

Caleb: 10:34

it. Right. Julie will get on your ass. She will yell at you.

Charlotte: 10:37

Right. And also who the fuck, Miss Brady, why is she boarding the cruise ship with a trophy that's as big as she is? Like who packs that? Who says I'm going on a cruise. I'm taking my fucking trophy

announcer: 10:49

with me. She probably won a pageant, I bet.

Caleb: 10:53

I don't know if we see it in the next scene, but if we don't, then I'll explain what the trophy is. Okay, good, I have to hear it. Oh

announcer: 10:58

boy, this could be interesting. I know. Couple of items, you heard me say that Snyder, the handyman, series regular from that Bonnie Franklin sitcom from the 70s and 80s, one day at a time. And that was Valerie Bertinelli and Mackenzie Phillips and all, and he's playing a drunk handyman. He's sure. And we get another bad sort of amusing performance of drunk, which we saw last episode with the doc having the Amazon Russian woman get him drunk. So he's wearing a blue jumpsuit. You mentioned that. I could remember for some reason, there's been other blue jumpsuits that have been problematic, other staff on the love boat going back to season one early in season one, Gordon jump, who was from WKRP in Cincinnati, he was wearing a blue jumpsuit and he was standing in the restroom watching a John Ritter in a wig kind of come in and out and get dressed in that wig. And he's like, I don't like that woman. And then we saw the two guys in jumpsuits bringing him. Yeah. The painters. The painters? Mm hmm. Okay. But then some brought a model of a boat. Oh, right, right, right. So blue jumpsuits. Blue jumpsuits, yeah. Always of doofuses, oafs, and drunks. Yep,

Charlotte: 12:09

yep. That's what it's in the costume department. It just says, Bring me the doofus outfit. If you're

announcer: 12:13

blue collar, that's your label. Yeah.

Charlotte: 12:16

You're in a blue jumpsuit. Let's make it really obvious for our watchers. Yes. We'll put everyone else in white suits. And everyone else on

announcer: 12:23

Blu Sys. How'd they do it? I'm Diane DeMarzo. Oh, Diane! I've been expecting you. It's Mrs. Brady with the trophy. This is a Winthrop Cup? Yeah. Beautiful. It weighs a ton. Oh, I'm sure Captain Steubing will be delighted to take it off your hands. Imagine, Captain of the Year. Oh, God. Mr. Steubing, I know he wants to meet you. Captain? Yes? This is Miss Diane DeMarzo. She represents Sheridan Winthrop. I'm delighted. I can't wait to get my hands on your cup. Oh. Oh. Whoa. What? Well,

Caleb: 12:54

he he's definitely talking about the truth. Yeah,

Charlotte: 12:58

it was. I mean, but if, if they didn't want us to all have that reaction, they would have said the word trophy, not the

announcer: 13:03

word cup. Yeah, my hands on your cup. Yeah. So whose trophy is

Charlotte: 13:08

that? It's his, I think it's for the cap. Why is it not a surprise? Because he, he obviously knows he won captain of the

announcer: 13:14

year and mr or something. So Mrs Brady is Italian.

Charlotte: 13:19

Miss Brady is Italian. Yeah, she must have married.

announcer: 13:21

Well, I'm gonna guess, we have the drunkard, no good, blue collar handyman who's already eyeing Mrs. Brady. I bet there's a little romance that happens between them. Or maybe he steals the cup. Because why else would they make the cup so predominant? And I hear that mmm, producer Caleb, I'm gonna shut up.

Caleb: 13:39

Yes. No, I just, I just love hearing, just watching you guys

Charlotte: 13:44

theorize what happens. We should write for the show. I think they're going to fall in love.

announcer: 13:48

You know, producer Caleb is a lot of things. He is. A lot of things. And one of them is Puppet Master. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He watches us in our little cage and pulls the strings like we're ghastly marionettes.

Caleb: 14:00

I do want to loop back to what you said about writing this show. Yeah. We have way too much brain power to write this show. A monkey could write this show. Yeah, a monkey could have written the one with the monkey. A monkey could have written the word doc and they just tap away and yeah, that'd be like a perfect class A lovebird episode right there. I agree. 100.

announcer: 14:19

Well, the setup has been laid out. I have a feeling strange things are going to happen, and we'll find out right after this. We'll be right back with more Love Boat Exposed. Go to loveboatexposed. com to send us a message, leave a voicemail, or learn more about the show and our team. Who knows? You might just be invited to the captain's table. It's a pleasure to welcome you aboard. I'm speaking for my entire crew. I bet all of us Could be at the captain's table. If, if we were the time cops that we talked about a couple of episodes back, kind of going through that tunnel in time, I could see us all sitting there and just loving being at the captain's table. The Doc would be after you. Stop!

Caleb: 15:05

Oh, without a doubt.

Charlotte: 15:06

Okay. Well, thanks guys, but I would definitely knee him in the nuts.

Caleb: 15:10

Oh, no. I would just, I would just honestly love to see that interaction. It's like the Doc just approached you, Charlotte. That would, that would just be the best. That'd

Charlotte: 15:18

be a good death match. Charlotte versus the

announcer: 15:20

Doc to death. It might even rival when the Doc got punched in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From that one episode. Mm hmm. All right, enough fantasy sequences. Here we go. Hello. Hi. Danny Holt. Mr. Holt. Danny Holt. Oh, that's, uh, Promenade Deck 340. It's a super cabin. I hope so. I've been saving up for it since D Day. World War II? No, D as in divorce. Oh. Listen to him. I make the alimony payments and you're sorry. I'm not bitter. Broke, but not bitter. Well, don't let it get

Caleb: 15:54

you down, Mr. Holt. Lots of single women

announcer: 15:56

on these cruises to take your mind off all your troubles. How about a single man? To marry my ex wife. I'm single. Thanks, pal. You're much too young to die. Alright.

Charlotte: 16:12

So they almost went there. Oh, they started. They almost, I thought they did. And I know that Rob had said that they were going to at some point on the show start, so I didn't know if this was it. Rook has been teasing that. Yeah, so I did not know if this was the actual moment. I'm a little disappointed it wasn't because I have lots of gay friends who would totally pounce on him because he was good looking. But they're building the viewers, I think, to sort of like, if you want to use an overword use, they're grooming us. They are. It's crazy. They're

Caleb: 16:39

eaving us in.

Charlotte: 16:40

On whatever happens on the love boat, we're just going to accept it.

announcer: 16:43

So that dude, the one we just heard, oh, he died in 1991.

Charlotte: 16:47

He looked like JFK Jr. to me is what he

announcer: 16:50

looked like. And he had the hair of, uh, Eugene Levy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, he's Burt Convy. Okay. I knew his name. I, I looked it up anyway to just see what I know him from. Uh, Cannonball Run. Oh, I love Cannonball

Charlotte: 17:02

Run. It's Gary Shandler's show. One of the best shows ever.

announcer: 17:04

Hotel, Murder, She Wrote. Okay. He was more than that, uh, more than an actor on these series and sometimes films. He was on like every game show. He was like a regular on every game show. Match Game and Pyramid and all that stuff. Hollywood Squares and Pyramid. That was probably how he made his living. And, uh, yeah, not a bad looking dude, but a white dude with an afro. Yeah. Always an anomaly. Yeah, and I

Charlotte: 17:26

love how Gopher's like, Oh, I'll help you. I'll be your pimp. I'll get bitches for you. There's lots of single women on here to take your mind off things. Nothing stopping Gopher. No, nothing stopping Gopher. I mean, he even offered to marry the man's ex wife. Like, I feel he's desperate, this little guy. I don't get it. Yeah,

announcer: 17:40

poor Gopher. More girls in bikinis. Low shots. Bottom chunks. There's this handyman again. And he's staring at an ass that just

Charlotte: 18:32

walked by. I think producer Caleb put that clip in there and he can tell me if I'm correct or not. We didn't see one girl's face. It was a total screen cover with him sitting down, all the girls walk by him perfectly just so that the camera saw from the neck down to the ass. Just

announcer: 18:49

like the ass in the last episode. Yeah.

Caleb: 18:52

I've been, a little secret for you guys, this whole season, season two, there have been multiple shots of just ass shots, or like boob shots, in like bikinis, and,there's never been audio, so just like this clip we just saw, but the only reason I kept this clip in is because the uh, blue jumpsuit guy who was hitting on Mrs. Brady, was once again, just staring at them all, just eyes locked in on all of them, and I listened to it, I couldn't see it, but, There's just promise us that there was like a bunch of women in bikinis and this, this man in the blue jumpsuit was just,

announcer: 19:29

yeah, well, this whole show is like a Petri dish. It is. Do I say that right? A Petri dish. It is. You're correct. Okay. And if you do a little bit of research, as God knows we have here in our studios, you'll read that the love boat was an anomaly. In that. All the other television shows moved towards, dramas, sitcoms with three cameras, like Three's Company and such. And the throwback that held tight onto the 70s, as the 70s was actually exiting, was The Love Boat. And the disconnected laugh track, the TNA, which is what we're seeing a whole lot of, and it's producer Caleb says he's not always sharing all these clips, but in this case it makes sense because I think we're building up to try to understand why the handyman is a sleaze. But we're just seeing a lot of butts and a lot of breasts and no heads. No heads. It's connected. How all my

Charlotte: 20:32

Barbies looked.

announcer: 20:33

And I don't doubt that then they only need to be paid on a lesser tier as some

Charlotte: 20:40

claim, like a royalty check. How can you prove that's your

announcer: 20:42

body? Right, right. And onward. I say, Oh, and what do you still

Caleb: 20:48

alone?

announcer: 20:49

Yeah, I guess it's too hard to choose man with the Afro. No, it's not bad. You see, when you've just broken the chains of matrimony, The last thing you want to think about is shacking up again. Well, you know what they say. When you have a bad fall, the only thing to do is to get right back up on that horse again. Look at the legs on that filly. Oh no. It's her. Oh gosh. Of course. The vampire. Your ex wife? Worse. Her divorce lawyer. Has someone to clean me out. What am I looking at? That gorgeous girl. That gorgeous girl.

Charlotte: 21:28

Oh, of course it happens. Of course they're on the same cruise together. And I bet she's there spending all the money she made from that

announcer: 21:35

case. Yeah, I wonder who that was. A very distinct looking woman. Yeah,

Charlotte: 21:39

she was. She was

announcer: 21:40

very pretty. producer Caleb, was that, I see Suzanne Pluchette is in this episode. I wonder if that was her. And that's from the Bob Newhart show, The Wife. I'll cut this out if it's not her, but I wonder if that's her.

Charlotte: 21:52

Huh. Well, my whole thing was just the, I mean, Isaac's just like, Oh, don't worry guy. Just get back up there. Da, da, da, da, da. And you know, there's always that common phrase to get over someone, you got to get under someone else. But, um. I don't, I don't know. I don't, I don't know what his purpose is on the boat. If he's there to celebrate his divorce, but he's not trying to hit

announcer: 22:11

on anybody. And what a bit of shitty writing here. I mean, it's all shitty writing, but this one is the same repetitive lines. The guy has said this every time he's on camera on divorce. It's like, we got to do your divorce. It's just isn't going to stop. I have a

Charlotte: 22:26

feeling he and the divorce attorney are going to knock boots.

Caleb: 22:28

I put this clip in because it was The gopher was like, damn, look at her legs. Like it was sexually harassing this, this woman who he's never seen before. And then they're like, that beautiful lady is a divorce lawyer. They're like undermining her. Like she, someone that hot can be someone so rich.

Charlotte: 22:47

Like she has a brain. She actually went to law.

Caleb: 22:49

She's smart. Like shut, shut up guys. Please. That's that's gross. I

Charlotte: 22:54

agree. Thank you, Caleb, for pointing that

announcer: 22:55

out. Guys. I'm just going to say it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to lay it on the line. I think I'm going to introduce the horny meter. Oh, okay. And I'm going to point that gauge to Gopher in this episode. And Charlotte, I'm going to ask you, where is Gopher on the horny

Charlotte: 23:12

meter? Well, considering he's been fucking at sea for two seasons, I'm going to go at a 10. Yeah,

announcer: 23:16

but it's very overt.

Charlotte: 23:17

I haven't seen

announcer: 23:18

him hook up once. It's very overt in this episode. It's come to a head. Yes it

Charlotte: 23:22

has. He's just looking at you. To a head. Are you being

announcer: 23:23

funny? Uh, yes.

Caleb: 23:25

Uh huh. Ah, ah, ah. Ah, man. I suck,

Charlotte: 23:28

man. Oh, oh, another one. You suck. Oh,

announcer: 23:32

damn you two. You're calling me. It's you. Both you puppet masters are a kahoots. Yeah. Alright, so there we go. Ah, shucks.

Charlotte: 23:42

Oh, I don't know about that one. I don't think you can shuck a penis.

announcer: 23:46

I'm sure you can.

Charlotte: 23:48

It's probably a I'm a press

announcer: 23:49

agent, and it was my job to get Sheridan Winthrop on board to present to him a copy of Captain Steubing tomorrow night. But he didn't show up. Why is she sitting with the handyman? Who is this Sheridan Winthrop? He's a philanthropist, a millionaire, a playboy, a fink. I could lose my job. Will you help me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. All you gotta do is impersonate Winthrop tomorrow night. What are you kidding? Me make like a millionaire? You can do it.

Charlotte: 24:23

Oh, so she's roping him into her little scheme.

announcer: 24:27

Yeah, maybe he's not drunk. Maybe he's just choosing to speak with an affect. I think, I

Caleb: 24:32

think that's just how he speaks. Yeah, I don't know if he's drunk or not. It

announcer: 24:36

sucks. His, his whole thing is slurry and just stupid. Yeah, it's a little

Charlotte: 24:39

difficult to understand. So she's going to use him to pretend like he is a millionaire because no one knows who he is. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't pull him into her.

announcer: 24:47

That's the question. The elephant in the room. Why was he in her cabin?

Caleb: 24:50

Yeah, she just invited him in, um Oh, totally on. And then she was like, Hey, can you, can you commit fraud real quick and be like this really rich guy and give this trophy to Captain Stubbing? Exactly. He was like, oh, absolutely. Yeah. As long as I get some action, you know, like,

Charlotte: 25:06

is no one, is, no one gonna know that they're, um, that they're handyman. is up there pretending to be a millionaire. I mean, isn't he an employee on this boat giving out a trophy to another employee? I don't know. I'm just asking questions. Good

Caleb: 25:17

question too. No, you're, you're spot on, but apparently just no one knows who the hell he is. So he's like the third

Charlotte: 25:22

class on the Titanic. He's like the Irish people. No one knew. No one knows who they are. Okay. Got it.

announcer: 25:28

And we're looking at a frame where he's dressed that same gentleman in a tuxedo talking to Mrs. Brady. He looks very dapper. He's getting close to her. Let's see where it goes. Well, tomorrow we get back to LA and I thought maybe you might like to tie the knot. What? Tie the knot. Get hitched. What the fuck? Married. She's moving away from him. Yeah, I figured you'd like that, you know. I'm nuts about you. Two people are nuts about each other. They, uh, get married, don't they? Well, yes, Hank. When two people love each other. Oh. I think you're a terrific guy, Hank. I get the picture. All that romantic stuff was just to keep me happy. So I do the Winthrop Act for you? Listen, Hank, this is very important to me. Right. Job's important to you and I'm not. I didn't say that. Sure you did. Wow, Hank is a simpleton.

Charlotte: 26:27

He knew her, he's known her for like two days, you guys. I just can't handle all this, like, drama over relationships and hearts breaking with people only having known each other for a few days on a fucking boat.

Caleb: 26:38

But she didn't have any chemistry. He, like, threw a temper tantrum because he was like, well, if I do all this stuff, then I get to sleep with you, right? I'm gonna marry you. And she's like No.

Charlotte: 26:50

Since when? Yeah, right. Where was that contract? I didn't see anybody sign anything. Mrs.

announcer: 26:56

Brady handled that really well. I like her acting there. Cause it went from you know, friendly, we're compadres to, I'm looking at this man as he's saying these words. And realizing he's crazy. My eyes are telling the audience. It's that, oh boy, this guy can just go off, he could be dangerous, I'm gonna have to let him down lightly. Yeah. And she handled it well because she's Mrs. Brady.

Charlotte: 27:17

She's Mrs. Brady. How? You wouldn't expect her to do

announcer: 27:20

anything bad. No. I mean, she had to fend off Greg from what I understand. Her own damn stepson. Oh no. Ugh. Yeah.

Charlotte: 27:27

I think they did sleep together

announcer: 27:28

though. Maybe. I think it was a rumor. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, it was a big. I'm not trying

27:33

to

Charlotte: 27:33

start one. I'm just saying it's profound.

announcer: 27:36

Have you ever had to let someone down like that? No. Yes. Like we're a guy you just met like 10 minutes ago and he's just like, Oh God, this is great. We're going to date.

Charlotte: 27:46

But I mean, I've been on dates where it's just obvious that like, it's not, it's not like, like, like I'm about to go to the bathroom and not come back, but you know what I'm saying? And then it's just like at the end and they were just like, Oh, I can't wait to go out with you or then they start texting and like wanting to explain why they act in a certain way on a date and I'm like, dude, no, like what if you're calling me to explain why you act in a certain way? Like, uh, no, we're not doing that. All right.

announcer: 28:07

Uh, producer Caleb, you, has it happened to you?

Caleb: 28:10

I'm sure it has, but, uh, so many times he can't remember.

announcer: 28:20

Dr. Barnes? Yes. Go ahead, Doc. Oh, God. Doc is operating. David, Adam Bricker. What's wrong with Adam? You don't need my little black book again, do you? No, no. I need your help, David. That looks like a big trouble. A woman in her early seventies In good general health has fallen down a flight of stairs. Preliminary examination indicates that a fractured rib has punctured the spleen. Adam, have you got a signed consent form? Signed consent form? David, she's passed out and I'm not going to put any more pressure on her husband. How much time do I have? Two hours at the most. That spleen has got to come out. Is there another doctor aboard to assist? No, just myself and the nurse. Wow. Okay, let's go. Talk to me. Stay with me, David. Sketch out the procedure, then guide me through it, step by step. Why doesn't the doc know this?

Charlotte: 29:18

I don't know, I guess he might not be a surgeon. I'd like to just give him that. Maybe he's just like a general doctor.

announcer: 29:24

But veterinarians know how to make a,

Caleb: 29:26

a, a He assisted a

Charlotte: 29:28

birth in one episode. You're right, he did. But they've been doing that for fucking centuries, Caleb. I mean, crap. Four year olds have been helping their mom give birth since the Stone Age. Um, but my whole thing is, first of all, he's, he's on a old school, like, teleprompter. Tell whatever those things from Charlie's angels. It is exactly like the speakerphone from Charlie's angels, which, ah,

announcer: 29:51

it looked like the exact speaker from Aaron spelling, but, but I'm just curious,

Charlotte: 29:55

like, well, what, it looks like it's the woman that was hitting on him. Correct. That's fallen. Is that her? No, no, like some random

Caleb: 30:04

lady, like they were having dinner at the table. The, uh, The captain was waiting for the award to come and arrive, and then this man comes up and goes, Doc, doc, my wife, she's fallen down the stairs, she's not waking up, please, we need to help. And so they all like run over, and he's like, I think she has a broken rib, it might have punctured her, she might have internal bleeding, we need to do surgery now. And like, It came out of nowhere. Nothing was building up to it. It just came out of nowhere and, yeah, now He craves

announcer: 30:32

anatomy. Another shock moment. It reminds me a little bit of that shock when that dude pulled a gun on the Christmas episode last season. Well, it's

Charlotte: 30:39

also shocking because Doc's doing his fucking job.

announcer: 30:43

And then the guy, yeah, this old, uh, you know, grizzled surgeon looks like he just had four drinks when he gets on the phone

Charlotte: 30:49

with even has drink spillage on the front of his scrubs permanently

announcer: 30:53

drunk, kind of older dude is what it looked like. And he's like, well, doc, uh, first off, is there a real doctor on the boat? Yeah, exactly. And the doctor just lets that one skim right off him. And he's like, no, it's just me. Yeah.

Caleb: 31:07

Just me and my nurse from Vegas and like that previous stripper.

Charlotte: 31:10

And I can sort of hear the terror in that old man's voice. I wouldn't feel very confident. I

announcer: 31:15

know. Oh, let's see what happens in this episode. Right now, as soon as you remove the spleen, put a double tie on the pedicle. Oh, the phone's breaking up. Hello? Adam? Repeat that last? Double tie on the finicle. David? Finicle. What's going on? Double tie. We've got some interference. It's been bad all week.

Caleb: 31:40

Of course it has to be. Rob knows, Rob knows.

announcer: 31:42

Double tie a finnacle, we all know that. I mean, it's like ninth grade, uh, economics,

Caleb: 31:50

economics,

Charlotte: 31:50

here we go. It's economic.

Caleb: 31:54

Oh, yeah. Cause you remember, you remember when you're in the ninth grade and we all had to like take do surgery on a frog to remove it's spleen. Like we've done

Charlotte: 32:02

that before. I'm going to tell you the truth. Oh, I was that girl. What? That refused to operate that refused to do the dissection because I was that girl then. So I did it on a computer, Caleb. So I've actually never taken out the spleen, but I'm sure like in a state of panic, I could figure that shit out.

announcer: 32:19

Did you ever have to give, help someone give birth? No, that's

Charlotte: 32:22

disgusting. I don't even want to watch videos of people when they're like, watch my live birth. I'm like, why the fuck are you filming it? Why do you have a camera crew? And don't let your husband down there. He'll never he'll never go down there again. Like just keep the cameras away

announcer: 32:38

Well said yes, you speak common sense. I do. I really

Charlotte: 32:42

think I

announcer: 32:43

did in an age of nonsense. We have charlotte No,

Charlotte: 32:45

thank god for me

Caleb: 32:47

She keeps us down to

announcer: 32:49

earth. No joke. Alright, looks like there's one more clip. Let's see where it is. Where it goes. So, Gopher, are you off to beautiful downtown Burbank? Uh huh. Sacramento. Potty woman with the pushup bra. When can you meet my folks? Meet your folks? You know, daddy always said I'd marry a man in uniform. Amber, uh, actually, you know, there's something I forgot to tell you. There's, um, there's a rule. It's a company rule. We're not allowed to get married. Oh,

Caleb: 33:18

how sleazy.

announcer: 33:21

So

Charlotte: 33:21

did he sleep with her already? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Oh, of course he did.

Caleb: 33:25

I don't really know where she came from. This, this episode was all over the plot. Like the, like the random people surgery just came out of nowhere. This woman came out of nowhere.

Charlotte: 33:35

That woman though. I want you guys to see if you agree with me, Caleb and Rob. Does she not remind you of and is she not the same woman that played the ditzy blonde girlfriend of all the jewelry thief people?

announcer: 33:47

Oh gosh, yeah. Yeah, isn't she the same person her she has numerous credits I think for the love boat because I remember her

Charlotte: 33:53

voice and I remember her profile I think it's the same girl that play what was her name like Sandy or something like that But she played the jewelry

announcer: 33:59

was the distract go for it. Give him a Bubble bath

Charlotte: 34:03

and all the massage on

announcer: 34:04

the yes it sure seems she's not the same woman she's from the same mold and that mold is pointy. Yes. It is pointy. Mold is, kind of classic seventies, retro hotties, kind of does. And this was, this caught my eye when, she was talking to go for about getting married. She was running her fingers over the rim of his hat, like just stroking it. And let's go to the sleaze gauge now. We did the horny gauge and it's all on go for this episode. Well, the

Charlotte: 34:35

sleaze is now at one because he got his horniness fixed. So he's no longer a 10 on the horny scale. No,

announcer: 34:40

no, no longer a 10 down to zero on horny, at least for two

Charlotte: 34:44

hours. But for sleaze, he's up to like

announcer: 34:45

10. Up to 10 because he just. And he's like, Hey, sorry, guess what? We're done. Yeah. So goodbye. And there's Julie in the mix, amused by it all. You said this one of our past episodes ago, she's like a Giselle to a Jeffrey Epstein. Yes. Julie's becoming a confused person. She went insane early on in the season and now she's kind of locking to a track of I'm just one of them now. I'm a Stepford Sleaze. I will help everyone get laid. Yeah,

Charlotte: 35:18

she is. She's like the wing woman.

announcer: 35:21

Yeah, it's a lot to digest for this episode.

Charlotte: 35:25

And it was a good one.

announcer: 35:26

I enjoyed it. Yeah. Lively. Once again, producer Caleb, anything we should know, I think we concluded these storylines, right? Yeah.

Caleb: 35:34

Uh, the, the people who got operated on the woman, she lives. So I was kind of scared that it was going to end in the first love boat death. Uh, because there was a scene where, like, the doc kept losing connection to the actual surgeon who knows what the hell he's doing, uh, even while he's drunk, mind you, like he still knows how to take out a fricking spleen or whatever. Um, but the doc very sadly and very dramatically, we no longer need him. It's all okay now. And then the scene ends and then everyone's like waiting around, waiting for the doc to go down to the, like, medical room and he goes. She'll be okay. I got that very long pause and everyone's like, oh,

Charlotte: 36:13

it's like, it's like one of those soap opera pauses like the,

Caleb: 36:16

oh yeah.

announcer: 36:16

He'll be okay. Yeah.

Caleb: 36:18

Yeah. And so I was like, I was getting ready to like, get this clipping. So I'm like, this is going to be the first love boat death. This is crazy. We have, but not yet. We still still waiting for the first death. No,

announcer: 36:29

no. I think we have because on that recap of season one episode, if you listen to the very end, I wouldn't be surprised if y'all didn't, uh, cause we live this. Do we have to listen to it? there was a script, there was a storyline last year where a woman left a note because she was dying.

Charlotte: 36:49

Because he was dying, the daughter

announcer: 36:51

left a note and he died. And the captains, you're right, you're right,

Charlotte: 36:55

you're right. Okay. And

announcer: 36:56

it's, it's pretty dramatic and it's pretty good for the captain. So good that I kind of made it a little like Easter egg at the very like last one minute of best of season one. You'll hear the captain doing a read that is to my dearest daughter. And he just does his whole thing. It's very good. It's like a little monologue. I love that.

Caleb: 37:14

Good

Charlotte: 37:15

acting from the cast always makes me happy since we see it so rarely. I know,

announcer: 37:19

I know. Mrs. Brady did some good acting. Gopher off the charts here. Horny chart and sleaze chart. Yep, yep. While the Doc was saving a life, Gopher took over, was possessed, really by the Doc.

Caleb: 37:32

Maybe, maybe we're thinking too small in this, like, conspiracy theory. Maybe the whole, whole crew are on board. The whole crew. Like everyone in white, everyone who has white is involved in this sex ring operation.

Charlotte: 37:45

Oh, wow. This is a whole new series, you guys.

announcer: 37:48

And when you were doing the recap of the doc and that whole operation and the outcome, I was hearing that how to save a life thing from like Grey's Anatomy. I was just, and I would put that in the background in editing later, producer Caleb, but I know I'll. I will get struck by YouTube because our guests are now on YouTube and the audio only and the little cover we do every week, but we will at some point drop a live video of us doing the show. If people wanted, I don't know, I'm contentious in front of a microphone. You know, like I know the thoughts here in the studio. Maybe it's not the thing to do. We'll see

Charlotte: 38:26

a vote. We'll be democratic about this. I I love the idea, honestly. Yeah. Okay. Let's do it. I'm,

announcer: 38:30

I'm saying it. Oh, you know what I mean? It's sort of like. Then we're giving the other half of our soul. Yes. Yes. Yes. And it's like, maybe we better just sell all of it. Speaking of maybe we do a Patreon where we do a bonus episode every now and then we can do that. And then we do a video episode. So people could kind of see the clips and see us and I'll tell you, producer Caleb, you see him, ladies. He'll be like, wow. Wow. What the hell? I just thought

Charlotte: 38:54

it was his brothers can go back to Australia. We're keeping Caleb. Yeah, exactly.

announcer: 38:59

Yeah. Yeah. You'll understand why here in the studio, we call him Thunder Down Under. Oh, wow. Ah, and on that note, Thunder, uh, producer Caleb, what are you going to tell the folks out there in the audience, their friends, their families, what do you say?

Caleb: 39:15

Hey ho, if you guys enjoyed this week's episode, make sure you like it, subscribe it, share with a friend, and we'll see you all on the Love Boat next week.

announcer: 39:22

We're sailing away, but we will be back with a new episode of Crime Cruise, Love Boat Exposed. Make sure to subscribe, we're on all your favorite podcast platforms, and connect with us at loveboatexposed. com. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure, but I have duties on the bridge. Good evening.