Iconic 1970's TV and film characters all come together on one big boat! Ignored spouses, cheating fiends, and a doctor who may be incapable of delivering a baby - is he even a real doctor?
"Big" Al Delvecchio, Arnold's replacement from Happy Days! Zsa Zsa Gabor! Vegas and Spenser for Hire's Robert Urich and funny guy Leslie Nielsen all play a part in this raunchy, slap-happy cruise!
In one plot, we dive into the twisted story of two senior ladies who assault cruisers with literal and physical attacks and a chef who stages his own version of The Boston Tea Party, using ketchup instead.
BONUS: Hear of Producer Caleb's exploits in a small French village, which ended up causing curious looks and glances. It involves older ladies and even a host mom (!)
We also delve into the intriguing story of why all of Tony Danza's TV characters are named "Tony."
Show Quotes from Co-Host Charlotte:
On Loneliness and Pregnancy at Sea: "She's all alone on this cruise, and she's pregnant." Is it safe for a pregnant woman to go on a cruise? Let your wife go on a cruise at nine months pregnant ?! She's rocking on a boat. You're going to let her go by herself? Like, what?"
On Social Distancing in Politics: "To be honest, none of us should be in a room together, BUT we can literally sit here and do this show - people who don't agree politically and still be friends and hang out."
Charlotte also riffs on why some Love Boat passengers would have done well on OnlyFans - and, of course, there is a whole lot more. Enjoy!
Visit LoveBoatExposed.com to dive deeper, and connect with the show; send us a message or record a voicemail for air. Make sure to subscribe - we're on all your favorite podcast platforms! rsmedia.group creations
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Information contained on this podcast and all related materials is for criticism and commentary, as well as for research and educational purposes. Under section 107 of the Copyright Act of 1976, allowance is made for “fair use” for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, education, and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statute that might otherwise be infringing.
This is Crime Cruise Love Boat Exposed saturday on The Love Boat, the podcast that hunts down and tears apart shenanigans on this classic TV show. I see an awful lot of bodies. Who really have nothing to be ashamed. Of when laws, morals and behavior go rogue. He's a student of Marine by biology, and I know a lot of Marines who'd like to study her biology. We are there Saturday on the low boat. Julia's Crime to join an all male club. But she's shocked at the things they ask her to do. Now from Studio 109, welcome aboard. I think it's time you and I. Got to know each other. A man gets very lonely at sea. Yes, I can imagine. Whoa. We are sailing. Has that always been the always? Really? Are you serious? Well, we are sailing. Yes, we are. Very true. All right. I had no idea. Well, welcome to crime crews. Love Boat exposed high seas and low morals. Yes. High seas, low morals. It's the show where we look back to that hit series through the lens of modern times and we judge them because there should be judgment in this world. We julie them through the types of things that happen on The Love Boat where they would land today and probably not so well. There's a lot of problems. Caleb, what episode is this? Episode ten. Oh, so ten. Producer Caleb, right over there in the corner of the studio. I'm Rob, by the way, and this is Charlotte. Producer Caleb. Give us your opinion of what we're about to see. Just a little quick synopsis and prep the audience and Charlotte and myself. What are we going to see here? We see some fat shaming, some probably some sexism, some assault. We see some littering. Damn it. Everything. We're going to see everything today. Yeah. I didn't hold back this episode. Oh, good. I'm ready to rock and roll. I am ready to dig in. And ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Loveboat episode ten, tan, season one. Here's our first clip. Wonder, you're not married. I beg your pardon? Too skinny. Men want women with something to hold on to. But don't worry a little fettuccine raviolium poco de linguini have ten pounds on you. By Match line 15 by Puerto Vallarta. Way acapogo, you give me the anchor. All right. That was Julie, the cruise director, who is kind of wayfish she's kind of thin. And the gentleman who's talking to her is Al Malinaro, I think is Al Maranero. How do I pronounce that, Caleb? And it sounds like a goddamn dish that I would order at an Italian restaurant. He played Al on Happy Days after Arnold left. And Arnold was played by Pat Marita and think he probably went off to do Karate Kid or something like that. And then they sent this kind of rotund gentleman I was just about to. Throw in like a Danielson reference. You can't, like, cut the karate kid. Yeah, we're going to leave that. I don't want to be like, wax on, wax off, bitches. He's a big gentleman. He is. And he's shaming well. Yes, that and he also manhandled, he totally did like, he was feeling for something that he didn't find, and that's why he's like, we need some fettuccine. And you forcefully grabbed onto her arms and he did. Shook her a little bit. Yeah, it's a little intimidating and bit forthcoming. He just, first of all, jumped on her. You guys, he's gross. And the fact that he's even commenting on her body in any sort of way is gross because there are so many things I could say back about him right now in this moment. Like, not even with the ten foot if you were the last mother on earth. No, that's what Julie should have said, but it wouldn't have gotten past the censors. But this did. I'm disappointed in him and his character. I know him as Lovable Al from Happy Days. Friend of the fawns Richie Otzi. His character is very mean in this show. Then why didn't they just throw him over the boat? Has anyone ever gone overboard on this boat? Technically, yes. Technically, no. That's vague. I can't remember which episode it was, but when the captain fell into the water because of that bad luck curse thingy, he fell off the boat. But he wasn't really on the boat. So yes and no. I don't have any idea where this storyline's going. Me either. I'm excited. Let's find out. So when are you getting your divorce? You ready for dinner? Well, rather hang out in the moonlight with you. Jeff, we've known each other a long time. How come all of a sudden? Well, I guess I've been too busy messing up my life. First I lost up my marriage, and then I was living with someone for a while. That didn't work. Maybe this time I'll get lucky. First kiss. What is it, Jeff? Why do I feel like your heart isn't in this? You're talking about you're a fantastic girl. I always thought you were beautiful and sensitive. I think you're great. This isn't going to work, is it? No. Is it your wife? Yes. All right. One if a guy ever said, I want to be with you because you're sensitive and cute, I would literally walk away. That means nothing. Annie's married. Okay, let's go back to the party's. Married. There's that. Isn't this also, like, the third time that Julia's had someone from her past that she used to hook up? I'm starting to relate with Is, and. I'm kind of concerned for her. Is she being stalked by ex people that just show up at her job and just park themselves for a like I wouldn't be comfortable with that. And the gentleman, he's a good looking guy. He's played. He's actually a pretty good looking guy. Robert Urich. Oh, my God. I saw him at the old oyster house in Boston with my parents when I was a kid. He was so popular too. He had his own series probably a couple times. One of his series was called Spencer for Hire where he played a detective, I think, or a private eye. And the other show was Vegas. It was a show called Vegas. And he played the character role, if I have this right, of Dantana. Oh, Dant was also a great restaurant in Los Angeles. Your thoughts. Producer caleb well, give you a little context. He's going through a divorce. Not really. I think he's talked about a divorce with his wife. But they're still living together. They're still married. This show needs to stop. homewrecking and cheating and showing people cheat on each other. Like, common theme. Oh, it's happening right down the street right now as we talk. So we have a show. Come on, now. Do you have an address? I have many addresses. I can give you lots of them. I don't know. Yeah, every every episode there has to be someone cheating or homeWriting or something of the sort. It's like guys, stop. Right. I think I would have an answer to fix that problem on the Pacific Princess. Have security for one. No. Maybe that would help. I don't think so, because it would probably up the ante of weirdness. You get security. These kind of Mickey Mouse cop guys. No, I'm thinking captain. Caleb. I'm Captain. If you were put in place over Captain Meryl Stubing, things would run better. May I be the doctor, please? And have my bedroom in my examination room? That would be a flip of reality. And it would work, I think. I think it would totally work. I'll get in touch with Aaron's Spelling. Thank you. I think he's dead, but you might have to call. He's got people. Yeah, I'm sure he has people. Okay, next one. Just roll. When a mother in law comes to visit, how long should she stay? It's one of the Gabor sisters. It depends whether you're home or nasty. You drink, darling? In a moment, Lah. But why do we always pick on mother in laws? Why don't we pick on father in law for for that matter, why don't we pick on ourselves? After all, none of us are perfect. Well, almost none of us. You have a very popular wife. Hey, how would you like a specialty of the house? Supervised and given the careful attention of Russ Blanchard himself? Well, you just made me an offer I can't refuse. Good. First of Al, I have to say, first of all, leslie Nielsen and Jaja Gabor are literally two of my favorite people. When Jaja slapped that cop in La. I was like, yes. Oh, I forgot about that. And then Leslie from Airplane. You can't I mean Naked Gun. Like, you can't really do anything more. And the best part about him is that he started as a totally dramatic serious actor, like, a real deal. And now he's just effing funny. Those people were brilliant to have cast him in something funny, because I really think it gave him an entire Zucker. It is the Zucker brothers. So anyway, I love this scene. I love Jaja. I'm not so excited that her husband tried to pick up another chick literally 20ft away from her. But Jaja is fierce, so maybe he just needed a break. The thing is, again, I'll give you a little context. She is the resident celebrity on board. That usually is one each episode. Like, the celebrity in universe. She does a talk show, I think gives people advice. And so she basically just spends the whole episode blowing off her wife, her husband. Like she's ignoring him. And he's like, Honey, we're here on a holiday. Why are you working? And she's like, oh, well, we'll spend time. We'll spend time. Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry. And then every time, she just gets caught up in giving people advice, and he's like, Honey, let's relax. And she's like, no, I'll get there later. Give me a couple of seconds. He's neglected. Girls, look, if you're not paying attention to your husband, some other bitch is. So I'm just saying, learn from this. Well said. Thank you. Well said. Advice with Charlotte. That was some good advice. I think we do well together. Caleb right. You will find life advice on this show, our show, not on The Love Boat. Maybe not the life advice you want, but you'll find out the life advice I live by. Like reality. Like reality. Reality check you. Yeah, we will reality check you on this one. All right, on to the next clip. Al, who's a chef. He's the big guy that telling jewelry she's too steady. He's throwing sauces overboard. You. Don't you like ketchup? Swim for it. Take this ketchup with you. I'd rather die. Don't tempt me. So something has gone overboard. Yes. Ketchup. Ketchup. Littering. He's committing a crime, I guess. Destroying the sea. Yeah, it's obvious that what's his name on the show? I know he's Al, by the way. I think they like to call him Al because a lot of times, like, Tony Danza right on. What's that show he was on? She's the boss. Who's the boss? Who's the boss? And also taxi. They would call Tony Danza Tony, whatever character he played, they called him a Tony. And they said because he was kind of thick and it was just easier if they just called him by his real name. I don't know if that's true or not, but that was the story. So I'm wondering the same about Al because his name is Alan Marinallo. I don't know how to say Molinaro. Why am I attempting that? I don't know. We have Google in front of us. We're not even pretending today. But yeah, so we see him littering overboard in international waters. I'm sure that breaks a couple rules, couple conventions. He got about six bottles of ketchup into the water. Yeah, and then the captain threatens his life. Perhaps you should be thrown overboard, he says. That's meryl Stubing. All right, our next clip nielsen Jajag. You really get unbelievable letters. Oh, they usually are from normal, everyday people, you know, with real problems. There are some exceptions. Like this woman wrote that her husband's secretary only wears a bra and little panties to the office. Like that he saves money on the air conditioning. And what did you advise her? Well, I told her to tell her husband to cool it in the office. Sorry to be late. Tell me more. As the man said, I got millions. Of the lady you gave the drink to. Right next door, this 40 year old spinster read a book titled Sex After Seven. She wanted to know if she has to wait until. Ran out of chocolate. Al right. That's perfectly all right. I really don't need the extra canneries. And Ross doesn't like it. Husband gone. A new lady gone. He left. He did you even say goodbye to him? Don't you remember? Now? Going into steps and delivered her to roll. Wow. They continue kissing and I hear, like, porn kind of sax music. I will say that this episode, the cameraman or whoever was filming or directing really, really loved these characters kissing. Like the one with Julie that went on for at least a minute and I had to cut it in half. And then this one here was also going for a good 30 seconds. And maybe it was actually a porn director. They got this time with smooth sex going on and the accidental voyeurism. Well, I'll tell you what. This is the second time I recall in these first ten episodes making out for sex happening right under the spouse or girlfriend's nose. Robert Reed in that one episode with Loretta Switch where just a scene or two before he was ready to shoot her, literally with a rifle on the deck. Well, every episode has to have someone home wrecking or cheating. It's become bit of a stereotype for the show. Tell you one thing about producer Caleb. He does not lie. He does not. He calls it like it is. He does. Which I appreciate. I reality check appreciate the authenticity of people in this room. No filter. We're all very genuine. Yeah, say it how it is from different age brackets and every kind of belief. I can't believe that. I mean, to be honest with you, none of us should be in a room together there and hanging out. No, in the political world that we live in today, it wouldn't make any sense. But look at all of us, right? Look at it. It all makes sense. We're totally fine. And we all come together, calling them out. We're looking at what happens. We're just saying, you guys, you can literally sit in the room with people you don't agree with politically and still be friends and hang out and come. To the same kind of conclusion and laugh about shit. Are you saying that that's the mature thing to do and the smart thing and respectable thing is to be friends with people who disagree with you? Yes. What? Crazy. Yes. Crazy. Charlotte, what are you on about? I don't even know. There's something different in my vape tonight. Maybe because I'm like freedom. Love. Right now? I don't know. We'll be right back with more Loveboat Exposed. Go to loveboatexposed, doc.com. To send us a message, leave a voicemail, or learn more about the show and our team. Who knows? You might just be invited to the captain's table. It's a pleasure to welcome you aboard. I'm speaking for my entire crew. You know, I'm reminded of a lyric from the Love Boat song. Oh, no, there's a song? Well, it's the song that opens every episode. We don't use it because I don't want to get copyright. Love exciting and new. New. And I'll leave you with that. Well, it's not really new when it's the 10th episode. We're seeing people make out with another. But Caleb married new to Leslie Nielsen and the lady he met on the. Deck, because you know why it's always new? Because it's always a different cruise, different people. It's always new. That's true. All right, onward. Do this. If it wasn't for your stubborn captain, all I ask for is an apology in a Urich chapter. Hire. You are Chef Borga. Just what you asked. Ah, I knew he would apologize. Stubborn man, that captain. But at least he knows when he's been defeated. Then you will return to the kitchen? Of course. Maesto's place is with the orchestra. What in the audience? My sincere apologies, Antonio Borga. And didn't I tell you he'd break first? I knew he'd crumble once he realized we could do his job as well as he could. There's a scam in play here. I talked over the moment that was highlighted in that scene. They committed forgery. Oh, yeah. Straight up. They forged the documents, the papers, the apologies to the captain and as who's? The chef. Okay. Antonio is his name. That makes more. They jokingly. I think Julie jokingly said, is anyone good at committing forgery? And then, ha. Soundtrack. Soundtrack. And the next clip was them literally committing forgery. Well, it's not that hard to do. Never is. Never really is. Even before photoshop, right? I mean, it's not that hard. And back in the day, they just, like, cut and copy stuff and film. Literally like cut and paste. Yeah. So we see a plot device here where both are being set up, both characters that have had a fight or some kind of conflict, and then the people that want them to get back together are pretending that they've each written each other apology notes when nothing of the sort has happened. I've seen this kind of thing play out a lot on Dre's Company and many other sitcoms, and we're seeing it again. Let's move on. I perhaps said too much. What is taking so long? Don't ask me. I've never had any babies. Well, don't ask me. I've never had any babies either. Has Doc ever delivered a baby before? What? Listen, something. I've never made soup for 600 people. Before, but it turned out great. I'll be the judge of that. We have nothing to worry about. Oh, sure. Doc is doing a wonderful job. Well, I'm sure he is. I mean, that's one of the things. That constantly amazes me about Doc. Yeah, he spent so much time between ladies'legs. Of course, I'm not a big mermaid. He is, isn't he? I mean, nickname Jesse. He is a doctor, right? Has my new passenger boarded? Not yet, sir. What's taking what's taking so long? Has the doctor lived a baby before? He really is adopted, isn't he? I'm not sure. What's taking so long? I don't know, you asshole. Professor is having a baby, and Captain Merrill soothing. He's like, I'm checking my watch. I'm not sure what's going on here. Are we asking the question now when there's someone giving birth, is he a doctor? Was this ever brought up before? They worked with him for years. The third plotline. So every episode there's three storylines. Stressful. One is with Antonio. One is the celebrity woman, the talk show host, whatever. And then the third one is this pregnant lady's on board, and she is without her husband. She's all alone on this cruise, and she's pregnant. Surprisingly, the doc doesn't try to sleep with her, but she's with the doc for, like, the whole episode. And then she goes into labor, lets. Her wife go on a cruise at nine months pregnant without boat. She's rocking on a boat. You're going to let her go by herself? Like, what? And hanging with the dock, he'll do a pregnant woman. He would do any woman. Yeah. I'm surprised there was a clip that I cut out because I wasn't really sure. And then the rest of the episode kind of proved me wrong. But there was one bit where he kind of, like, looked her up and down, and I was like, oh, is the dog trying to sleep with a pregnant woman? But no, he's just making sure that. She sized her up. Okay. He did. Well, first of all, there's nothing wrong with a pregnant woman. I would hope that the husband's out there doing it. Amen. So I'm just saying. But a stranger? Like, what? I guess there's, like, only fans for that. There probably is a website for that. Oh, God, there's a hundred of them. Thousands. Millions, probably. Speaking of producer, Caleb, how's your only fans page going? So good. My elbow content couldn't have been better. I'm doing so well right now. Good. We're proud of you, by the way. Thank you. Son in a way out there, learning his ways of the world. Showing off my elbows. Yeah. Well, hi. Hello. Don't tell me the whole cruise went. By and I never met you. Well, you're meeting me now. Better late than ever. He's roping her. That's the man who was with the pregnant lady. And that's the lady who was with dear Beverly's husband towards cities. Thanks, Fiend. Well, Janelle, I am sorry I didn't meet you earlier. Well, someone called him out. Yeah, that was like a last minute scene thrown in just to let the audience know, in case they've missed previous episodes, that the doc is a scumbag. Yeah. I don't really understand what was going on with those two old ladies, but throughout the whole episode, they would just come in every now and then and just assault a passenger or a crew member, and they were just like, the most judgy two old ladies ever. But I don't know if they were the audience. They were just making assumptions like, you sex, Fiend. And then just slaps him. Or you old bag. Or you bad man. Because they were the same people who slapped that man with Julie. You sex, Fiend and doc trying to sleep with this woman. I'm surprised he didn't rebook her on the next cruise. He's a doctor, after all. One question I have. What happened with Santana Spencer for hire? Julie's initial kiss. She met this dude. He'd go on cruises and holidays because he's like a travel planner or something. And plot twist. Spoilers. He was actually the husband of the pregnant woman. They were on the same cruise at the same time. They didn't know that they were on the same cruise at the same time. Huge news. Thanks for sharing it. Wow. And she was basically sleeping with this man who was married. His wife was pregnant and his wife's pregnant. Yes. Well, thank you for mentioning both. I was going to mention this, but there wasn't any clips at all of them just being like, hey, I'm glad we asked. Hey, you. It made no sense that he was making out with Julie at first, and then they just forgot the line. Well, that's interesting. One other thing that I have here another plot device that's used all the time in current TV shows as well, and movies, and that is the old lady thing. Even back in the Andy Griffith Show and stuff, there's the little town gossips. They're two older women, usually, and they're always in the background just chatting. Three's Company had it a lot. Well, it's like the dudes in the opera box with the muppet. Yes. You know what I mean? They're just observers, spectators. They like to give their theater they. Call that the choir. Right? I don't know. I'll go for it. I will also say that that trope. That line happens in real life in small towns. When I lived in France, I was in a very small town of about a thousand people. When I first moved into my host's parents'house, a couple of older, older ladies came around the block just to chat with my host mum. Just randomly, out of the blue. But of course, there was little looks, little glances at me. The new kid, new foreigner. That's not what they were thinking. They were thinking, fresh meat, baby. Their husbands are dead and gone, they're ready to go. I was 14, so if that was the case, well, very concerned. Wine. 14 year old. She's been hiding out there for years. It's fine. Rules do not apply in France. What happens in France stays in France. That's the same, right? Probably. Now that wraps up The Love Boat season one, episode ten. And we're going to have a juicy episode next week. Producer Caleb for episode Eleven. Yes. You're promising that? My jaw was on the floor. Let's go. You're promising it? Will he deliver? Stay tuned for next week's show. Make sure you like subscribe, share it with a friend. We'll see you next time. We're sailing away, but we will be back with a new episode of Crime Cruise, Loveboat Exposed. Make sure to subscribe. We're on all your favorite podcast platforms and connect with us@loveboatexposed.com. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure, but I have duties on the bridge. Good evening.