Ep07 - Romance Roulette: Ladies on The Prowl

This is Crime cruise. Love Boat exposed. Saturday on The Love Boat, the podcast that hunts down and tears apart shenanigans on this classic TV show. I see an awful lot of bodies. Who really have nothing to be ashamed. Of when laws, morals and behavior go rogue. He's a student of marine biology and I know a lot of Marines who like to study her biology. We are there Saturday on The Love. Boat Julia's game to join an all male club. But she's shocked. The things they ask her to do. Now from Studio 109, welcome aboard. I think it's time you and I got to know each other. A man gets very lonely at sea. Yes, I can imagine. Welcome to Crime cruise love Boat exposed. High season, low morals. I am your host, Rob Springer, and with me tonight is Charlotte Jones. And not to ever be left out, although he is in the corner, it's producer Caleb hi. Yeah, this corner, it's getting crazy. We actually just leave him there all week until Tuesday and then we just like break him out. Yeah, little cage. He's got all his stuff there. We feed him though. They get crackers and water. Basically. It love me some candy. Well, for those that haven't seen the show yet, we examine every episode of Loveboat from season one and 1978. And every episode we pretty much cover the corresponding episode. We would normally be seeing show eight, but we're actually skipping episode eight. And I'm going to throw it to producer Caleb to explain why we're actually skipping our first episode of The Love Boat. I think I need some sad music to bring oh, my gosh, the ambiance. But this episode, Love Boat, funny. A lot of slapstick comedy. Not this episode. No. Episode eight was heartbreaking. Nearly brought me to tears. This family lost their son at eight years old. This little boy was running away from, I'm assuming an abusive parents. They were fighting, going to a divorce. Well, at the end of the episode, this family who lost their child and this child who ran away came together and started a new family. So kidnapping. Kidnapping. And there's not a lot of funny in that. That would be illegal. Yeah. Okay. Episode nine. Episode nine is where we are at now and I have no idea what we're about to see. Producer Caleb pulls these clips. There's usually some kind of moral reprehensible situation, sexual harassment, stowaways. The doc. The doc. He'S like his own subtopic. He is. He's always up to some kind of. Always up to some hijinks, as you say, some shenanigans. Tomfoolery. Yes. And that's a light way of saying it. Doc is primarily a rapist. In the nicest way. Putting it lightly. Yeah, pretty much, yes. We don't know what we're about to see, but we're going to start rolling from our bin of clips. Episode Nine season One of The Love. Boat You look incredible and I love your hair Chapman. And Ms. Love is watching. In college, you must have lost 30 pounds of graduation. 35. But I can't relax for a second. There are thousands of hot fudge sundaes out there with my name on them. I'm a banana split man myself, but. That'S not paying attention to go. It's my own diet. The triple D desperation, disgust. Divorce. You mean you and Fred the marriages? Not only are Fred and I, but Neil and I are Neil. Two marriages in five years. Toby. The audacity. Okay, everyone, I do want you to know out there in the world that you can just date people. You don't have to marry everybody. Like, really? You can date people for two years or three years, right. Or four, and then decide to get the F out. She's getting a guilt trip thrown on her, and she's, like, taking it well. Also, she lost weight. By what? Desperation, depression, and divorce? Yeah. I chose this clip specifically because they were totally making fun of eating, like an eating disorder. A clear eating disorder. She was struggling. A cookie. I'm just saying. Oh, my gosh, you lost so much weight. What's your secret? Oh, I have an eating disorder. Ha. I hate myself. Ha. So if it starts like this, where does this episode go? Oh, this is like my childhood. This is where we're starting. This is like how all the moms sounded when I was growing up. Oh, boy. All of them? Okay, well, here's Southern Gothic second childhood. Southern Gothic. Yeah, that's how the south really rolls. All right, next scene. You've changed yet? I was just reading. Well, don't you? But that's enough of that stuff in the classroom. Let's look at some sunshine. Tennyson is very good for the soul. Well, I don't need something to help my soul. I need something to help my love life. Right? Hey, let's play romance Roulette. Oh, no, that's a great idea. We've got a whole boatload of guys to play it with. Oh, no. Romance roulette? Come on. I thought we gave up that nonsense in college. What is wrong with picking up a guy, having a little fun, and then dumping him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Go, girl. Well, finally, it's a rah, RA scene for you. This is very much a RA SC. I applaud these girls so much more than I did the dudes that went on there, because at least I don't know, it's a different I knew you'd. Like that clip, Shawl. That's why I had to put it in. I was like, oh, Shaw's going to get a kick out of this one. Love it. Well, at this point, it really is the last thing you'd expect from The Love Boat, because it's always the male that's put in that position and taking advantage of going after being the hunter. And now the ladies are in. The romance full of desperation and depression are going out for guys. Yeah. Who are you going to find, babes. I just want to see what happens next. I do, too. Then it's subtle. The code word is screwdriver. Now, the first three guys that come up to the bar and ask for a screwdriver, the ones we're trying to pick up. Right. Right. Okay, who leads off? You two start. No, no, let's be democratic about this. Hello, by age. You first, Beth. Oh, youngest first. Wilson wants to refill. Orange juice and vodka. Orange juice and vodka. That's my screw. The dock at the bar. Girls going up to the dock. That looks delicious. He's drinking on duty. He's a doctor. Orange juice and vodka. Isn't there a name for that drink? Yeah, it was shit. Can I have a screwdriver, please? Some geeky guy just pulled up. Of course. That's what you call Woody hour. Screwdriver. Now you tell me. Haven't we met someplace before? I don't know. Have you ever been to Hackensack? Hackensack? Well, why don't we sit down and we'll talk about it? Sir, your drink. I don't mean to be forward, but can I pick you up? Can blue surge pick up Lint. Excuse my friend. He's not as subtle as lady's hitting on the dock. Want to see my cabin? And he's going to get want to see my cabin? I want to get laid. First of all, I like that their code word is screwdriver. Okay, girls, could we be a little bit less conspicuous? I mean, they should have just gone ahead and thrown out. The keyword is sex on the beach. My code word is pinball. For real? For real. You've used this? Wow. Yes. It's a secret term, actual thing. Is it? Well, I mean, pinball is a game, right, that involves a lot of balls and things. Sure. Fair enough. Yeah. Well, we've been let in on a. Deep, so pinball is always the code word. Wow. Yeah. No screwdriver here. This game the three ladies are playing continues to be aggressive. We said that in the first scene we saw them in. Is it aggressive just because they're women? Would it be as aggressive for 1978? Okay. I mean, it is for 78, but it's good and bold that they're pushing the limits. Yes, I agree. I think they needed to find some balance with all the getting laid doc and Gopher and the Captain are doing. This was like the sexual revolution, though, right? Like 78? Like, kind of. It really was. And by the way, the one woman I recognized was Jane Curtain from the original cast of the Not Ready for Primetime Players from Saturday Night Live, which started in the so he was probably three years or so into Saturday Night Live and decided to go out to La. And do the Love Boat. And in a groundbreaking episode, as this turns out, because these ladies are hot and they are horny and they are on the hunt. Yes. Go, girls. So what made you decide to become a ship's doctor. I always had a mission in life to heal the sick and tender the. Cute. Kids in honor. Right there. Do we need to say anything? It's just the doc a playboy playmate on this show. He's already forced himself on someone. He's already forced himself on people. I think he even had the hots for John Ritter a little bit. Not as much as the captain, but. I think he 100% did. I literally think the dock is just uncontrollable. We'll be right back with more Loveboat Exposed. Go to loveboatexposed.com. To send us a message, leave a voicemail, or learn more about the show and our team. Who knows? You might just be invited to the captain's table. It's a pleasure to welcome you aboard. I'm speaking for my entire crew. And. It looks like he just came out of his cabin. They just had some hot sacks, and now they're going to have some dinner. Some more hot sacks and what a job for they're going to dinner. Yeah. As you got dinner. Supper. Oh, they're having dinner. All right. Dinner. All right. I don't know what, guys, so what you're laughing at? Call back to last episode, but sure, Rob, get with the times. Come on. Come on, Rob. Wow. Okay. Ouch. I'm being attacked. All right, here's our next scene. Believe me, this is going to work. There's enough tranquilizer in here to put an elephant to sleep now. It's not going to hurt. Put him out. Like, try it on my father. The doc, the curtain. Isaac, the bartender and gopher are trying. To capture a German shepherd. This should do it. Mr. Blanders, I am. A tranquilized dude on the toilet. You can't tell it's the best chopped sherline on board. He'll eat it. Thanks a lot, guys. That was delicious. The one's eating it. And the guy that grabbed the snake off the floor meant for a dog is now fainting because the snake had Frank along with it. And I think we just saw his marksack. He's like a C version of, like, Ron Jeremy. Do you know what I mean? I do. That gentleman is from Mash. That was radar from Mash. I'm sorry, Radar, didn't mean to compare you to Rob Jeremy, but Gary Bergoff. His name is, and he is a little Ron Jeremy ish. But we also just admitted that the doctor uses drugs to tranquilize other people on the ship. Mind you, if it's a dog or not, he still has no qualms about using the prescriptions on board. Hence the medical IV. Right, Dr. Caleb? Tell us. Dr. Caleb. Caleb. Now, Dr. Caleb, look at me. Look at me. Just came on raw, came in hot. Yes. And we saw the four boys on the boat, the staff sliding a steak that's tranquilized into a cabin. Enough to knock out an elephant, right? As doc said, why is there a dog that they're trying to apprehend? Yes, well, as we saw someone get accidentally roofied. Basically, the background. The context to this is a guard doc or like a police officer's. Dog escaped, ran away, and somehow ended up on the boat. Because there's no effing security. Literally anyone can go on that boat. Anyone. Children running away from their parents, hired killers. Anyone can go on the boat. Unchecked. So why not a doc? Charo. Charo guitar. Yeah. And so this dog ended up in this guy's cabin. And it's very aggressive. There was a lot like I was trying to I was hoping it sounds bad, I'm saying this, but I was hoping that there was going to be some borderline animal abuse, because that would have been perfect for the show. There wasn't. I would have literally gone crazy, but thankfully there wasn't. But also, I'm kind of sad there wasn't for the context of this episode. But the dog just stays in this room, is very aggressive. Like that man who got tranquilized, if he tries to open the door, the dog would just attack him. Just try to attack is that dog's. Name Annie, by any chance? Because that sounds just like my dog. Don't go to Charlotte's house. No one's going to break into my house, let me tell you. I dare someone, but, yeah, that's the. Context of this clip of someone getting roofied. Yeah. All right, next, the dude sitting in the bed. All right, take it easy. What's the you are a bum and a rat. You're a plumbing crummer. A crummy plumber. He knows what I mean. What's bugging you two? You are an animal, Frank. The way you treated Regina. I mean, you broke her heart for no good reason. Two of the ladies, big deal. I dumped her. I only beat her to the punch. Isn't that how you play your romance, Roulette? Yeah, I heard the Tuvie up on the deck. Just because I'm a working stiff doesn't mean I can be exploited by some chick playing a schoolgirl game. Yeah, another context to that. The nerdy character from SNL, she got with the plumber, and plumber overheard the two girls talking about the game. So he was in love with SNL lady and he was heartbroken. So I would say a little comeuppance, a little other side of the coin. Justice for the man. But that was the context to that. Girls, you never let go of a man that works professionally with his hands for his job. Carpenter. I'm just saying stay with them. Electrician 100%. Also, this character, the blue collar guy, let's call him that dark haired guy. Kind of rico Suave. Yes. Sleeves rolled up. It seems a lot of times through the there tends to be generally two kind of guys in these TV shows and these films, too. You have the man who's almost somewhat continental, who's the rich guy, and then you have the blue collar guy that's just I'm just a bum. You don't like a scruffed. Yeah. Yeah. And there's not a lot in between. So we see this with the blue collar guy who's pissed off, and rightfully so. When did Streetcar Named Desire come out? Because let me tell you, I never understood why my mom thought that Marlon Brando was so hot. And then I watched that movie, and I was like, Damn. But he was like a blue collar worker. Like a plumber. Do you know what I'm saying? He was that total character. Sure. T shirt. Yeah. Cigarettes. T shirt, white T shirt, black pants. Burned in my memory. So what makes him stand out like that for you? Because it's sort of like the same schwagger. I don't feel like the other guys that are supposed to be high class Republicans or whatever have the same kind of schwagger that these dudes that are, like, workers have. It's like the bad boy, good guy thing. Right. And not even I'm saying that you guys in your white shirts are good guys. I'm not. But what I'm saying is it's sort of like that whole stereotypical TV thing, right? It really is. It falls right in there. Yeah. Proved my point. And nod to what might be the last clip. You're right. I'll write you every other day. No, you write a poem every other day. You write me every day. Okay. He's happy now. Oh, by the way, I took another look at your drain this morning while you were at breakfast, and I found your ring. Oh, no. That's an engagement ring, and it's not mine. How it is now she'll accept. Frank. She's saying yes with her lips. Is that what you got from it, Rob? I'm fine. Okay, good. Yeah. Just making sure that we're expressing ourselves appropriately. We're kissing again. Look at that. Wow. That's a nice I also feel like every blue collar dude back in the day, like, in those shows, were always named Frank. Right? Always Frank. Yeah. It seemed like he was maybe a plumber. Always slightly Italian. Just little bit easily. Yeah, totally. And that wraps up episode nine. Yes. That was fun. That was a good show. I put that clip in as a little again, a little bow. Caleb well, potentially. Potentially a nice little bow on it, but I felt personally attacked. They've known each other for less than a week, and they're getting married. Sounds a lot like Provo, Utah. That sounds a lot. And he's our resident person. I lived in Utah for two years, so I saw many, many very early proposals. So, Provo, Utah, I'm calling you out. That was a direct attack to me and the place I lived. And, guys, you can't just date people. Just saying, please do not propose to someone you met on a cruise. This is very specific, but please, Doc, not propose to someone on a cruise you've met for less than a week. That's like proposing to someone you just met in rehab. Don't do those things. I mean, if you're on like, Love Blind or one of those proposed in 90 days. Something like Engaged, whatever those shows are. Then. Like love at first sight. You get married to somebody you've never seen before called, like, arranged marriage. I'll say that's okay in quotation marks for the publicity and for the fame and for the drama and that stuff. But no, just not in real life. Provo, step up your game. Come on, provo. So you would agree more with the doc's approach to life? No, we don't agree. You try out a lot and then decide. I don't think that's what kind of hearing that? Kuwaha? Okay. The difference between me and the doc is morals. There's a lot of differences. Well said, producer. There's my moral of the episode. There you go. Life. Morals with Caleb. Have morals. That's it. Morals with Caleb. No low ones, just high ones. Well, I don't know where episode ten is going to go, but I'm excited for it. We keep, like, upping the ante of hijinks of the competitions. Please say shenanigans. Just say it every time. Tom foolery too. Tom Foolery. We're now throwing again. Absolutely. Well, thank you for joining us for this week's episode of Crime Cruise Love Boat Exposed. We'll see you again next week. Don't forget to, like, subscribe and share with a friend. We're sailing away, but we will be back with a new episode of Crime Cruise Loveboat Exposed. Make sure to subscribe. We're on all your favorite podcast platforms and connect with us@loveboatexposed.com. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure, but I have duties on the bridge. Good evening. You close.